


if this only ends in tears, then i won't say goodbye

by MuffinCannibal



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, DWFicExchange, F/F, Fobwatched Doctor (Doctor Who), Human Doctor (Doctor Who), Human!Doctor, Human!thirteen, Judoons, Sad but with a happy ending, Thirteen is a stubborn professor of history, Yasmin is a police officer in love, no one knows why but they suddenly love Sheffield, sad but not really, title from a song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 10:24:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19944631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuffinCannibal/pseuds/MuffinCannibal
Summary: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing else I can do.”“At least could we meet?”“Now?” Yaz asked, not even trying to hide how surprised she was.Even though Professor Smith wasn’t the first person trying to help with the aliens investigation – it pulled so many freaks already – she was amazed that a scientists wanted to help. So far, whenever she asked for their help, all she got was laughs or not returned calls.“Yes, please.”





	if this only ends in tears, then i won't say goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hellynz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellynz/gifts).



> Written as a part of DW Fic Exchange.
> 
> Hi, Sara, hope you like it! Sorry for not including anything ABBA-related, but I couldn't find any song that would fit this story.
> 
> Thanks to @AlienWithABox for being a fantastic beta! 
> 
> And, last but not least, big thanks to Ally (@prettybirds) for helping me with coming up with the idea for this work. You're the best!
> 
> The title comes from "Dangerous" by The xx.

“Miss, you can’t go in there. It’s a crime scene,” Yasmin said with a polite smile on her lips.

A tiny woman with a short blonde bob was trying to get through her but she stood still, pushing her back gently but firmly at the same time. It wasn’t the first time when someone wanted to break in the crime scene; she'd fought with much worse people before. Most of her early training contained instructions of how to peacefully pacify people at the crime scenes.

“It’s my house!” the blonde explained quickly, bouncing on the balls of her feet to see behind Yaz’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry, but you need to wait till we finish our job. Please back up. And you should talk with my partner Andrew, he has some questions for you.”

“I need to know what happened at my house, miss…?” the woman paused, waiting for her to interrupt. 

“PC Yasmin Khan.”

“Nice to meet you, officer. I’m Professor Joan Smith.”

~ ✩ ~

After a meaningless interview, Joan was able to get some rest on her own couch. She opened another box of custard creams and turned on the TV. Of course, the first thing she saw was her own house surrounded by police on BBC News. A sigh left her throat as she took the remote control to change the channel, but the red bar on the screen caught her attention. _ANOTHER ALIEN ATTACK IN BRITAIN._

_Another?_ Joan thought, surprised. _How could I miss the previous ones?_ She took her phone, googled _aliens in Britain,_ and when she saw the results, her eyes opened wider in shock. The headlines informing of unusual creatures attacking people in the whole country were flashing behind her eyes. She didn’t know why, but the fact aliens existed didn’t surprise her at all, though she couldn’t stop thinking why from all places in the world, they chose her country. 

On impulse, she opened Google Maps, pinpointed the latest attacks and put them on the map. And when she could see their tracks, she realised they’d been constantly getting closer to Sheffield.

Just like they were looking for someone.

~ ✩ ~

Joan couldn’t sleep, her mind was travelling from one headline to another. _Mysterious attacks on Oxford Street, Traces of non-human creatures found in The Pond Park_ … Every time she tried to close her eyes, she saw the pictures: big footprints in the sand, destroyed trees, inside of her house right after the attack (how did these photos leak?) How she was supposed to sleep knowing they might come back (and why did she have a weird feeling it was her that they were looking for?) 

The thought of calling the police came to her mind at once...but what she could say? That her intuition couldn’t let her sleep, that there was a tiny voice in the back of her head telling her something bad was about to happen? They’d probably think she was insane; she thought that too, to be honest. Or maybe she was just dreaming and the whole thing was made up by her tired mind, after a day of hard work. Maybe she was going to wake up in a minute and laugh about it all later, turn it into an anecdote for her students. 

And yet, she picked up the phone and dialled the number of the policewoman she’d met in front of her house earlier.

~ ✩ ~

“We have an ongoing investigation regarding all the incidents, Professor Smith.” Yaz informed Joan, after listening to her long rant, even though she knew everything the blonde said. 

At first, when she picked up the phone and heard a familiar voice, she was surprised. At this time of night, it was either freaks calling the police station or her mom, worried about her older daughter spending another long night at work. Sometimes she got pranked by bored and probably drunk teenagers, if it was Saturday, but she had a way to deal with them.

“Incidents? This is how you talk about aliens?” Joan says quickly.

“I’m sorry, but there’s nothing else I can do.”

“At least could we meet?”

“Now?” Yaz asked, not even trying to hide how surprised she was. 

Even though Professor Smith wasn’t the first person trying to help with the aliens investigation – it pulled so many freaks already – she was amazed that a scientists wanted to help. So far, whenever she asked for their help, all she got was laughs or not returned calls.

“Yes, please.”

“If you insist. But I won’t tell you anything else I haven’t told you already, Professor.”

~ ✩ ~

Yaz looked at the phone, feeling a bit confused, but somehow excited, too. She didn’t know why, but she felt that tiny blonde would help her (and the stagnant investigation, of course.)

She looked at the files lying on her desk. Without thinking, she packed them in her bag. She was probably going to break some laws by showing them to someone outside the station, but she always used unusual methods at work.

Before leaving, she passed a mirror. Usually, she would go without even looking at herself, but this time, she fixed her hair and put on lipstick.

~ ✩ ~

“This has to stay confidential, Professor.” 

Yaz took a seat opposite the blonde, pulling out the case files from her bag. She gave a quick loot at the woman: even without make-up and with her hair put up in a messy ponytail, she looked like she just woke up. _I’d kill to look that beautiful after a sleepless night_ , Yaz thought and shook her head right after. There was an important investigation going on and there were more important things to do than contemplate someone’s beauty.

“Joan. Please call me Joan,” she proposed, flashing her a warm smile.

“So what do you want to talk to me about, Joan?”

“The aliens, of course! Do you have any ideas about what they want? Or their plans?”

“I brought you the files...that’s all we’ve got, unfortunately.”

“So the police think it’s a joke? You know they attacked places across the country, right?”

“We thought about that, yes. Sometimes copycats want to get famous for five minutes. But then we found actual footage from one of the dash cameras belonging to your neighbour and...”

Yaz paused, having second thoughts again. She still didn’t understand why she was sharing confidential information regarding one of the most important investigations she was ever a part of with someone she just met. That was insane. That was something she’d never do.

And yet, she coughed, pretending that a sore throat was keeping her from speaking.

“And we saw them. It definitely wasn’t a costume, it had to be...”

“Aliens?”

“Yeah. You should look at them yourself.” 

She handed Joan a couple of printed screenshots from the video of the crazy creatures breaking into her house. They looked like very high humanoids with rhinoceros-like heads, something completely out of this world. But somehow, Joan felt she’d seen them before: maybe in her dreams where she was having a completely different life, a brave traveller who saw wonders of the whole universe, helped aliens all over the solar system and met the most famous people on Earth. Sometimes she woke up feeling she didn’t leave that world, but the alarm helped her get back to reality right away. Now it was Yasmin’s eyes looking at her quite worried.

“Joan, are you alright?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m just tired. Not everyday you have aliens breaking into your house and then you have to spend hours at the police station.”

“We can talk tomorrow or even later if you want.”

“Don’t worry, I’m alright.” The lie left her lips easily, but her eyes betrayed her: she still had a faraway look in them, saying something different about her well-being.

The bar was getting empty with every hour but they stayed up until the manager asked them to leave. Even if the aliens – or Crazy Rhinos as Joan called them after a few drinks – were constantly the main topic of their discussion, Yasmin found herself laughing most of the time. Professor Smith was a delightful partner to talk with; many anecdotes and stories were pouring out of her, making Yaz question her career choices. Maybe she should’ve gone to the university, like she once wanted to, especially if the professors were as entertaining as her new friend.

~ ✩ ~

Joan and Yaz met a couple of times and their conversations were slowly drifting away from Crazy Rhinos, making space for talks about their lives and work. Yasmin felt like she met someone extraordinary – she didn’t remember the last time she was excited for a meeting with someone, or even a date perhaps. It all was going well until…

“They’re in my house again!” Yaz picked up the phone to hear Joan whispering into the receiver. She was talking fast, the words tumbling one another.

“The aliens? Hold on and hide somewhere safe, I’ll be there in five minutes with a back up!”

“No! I mean yes, you should come, but without the back up. We should talk with them!”

“You’re completely out of your mind.”

“It’ll work, believe me! Now, stop talking and come here before they get me.”

_You’re insane, Joan,_ Yaz thought. But maybe there was a method in that madness.

~ ✩ ~

Yasmin snuck into Joan’s house, just like she told her; using the back door, towards a tiny pantry filled with old cans and jars.

“This is crazy. I’ve got to call my mates.”

“Oh, come on, Officer Khan! This is your chance for a promotion!”

“Since when is getting yourself killed by creatures from another planet called a promotion?”

Joan didn’t have time to answer because suddenly there were loud footsteps. All Yaz could do was give her a “ I told you so!” look and pray they wouldn’t find them. 

But, of course, they did.

~ ✩ ~

“Ho flo lo lo plo dro sho to ho flo sho do plo co to plo ro bla sho wo flo sho wo flo ro flo sho lo plo plo kno kro no go sho fo plo ro sho yo plo tro bla!”*

“I’m definitely not a doctor,” Joan answered, without even realising she somehow understood the aliens speech. Now Yaz was looking at her like she was an alien too.

“You… understand what they’re saying?”

“You didn’t?”

“No, it was pure gibberish to me.”

Joan was about to protest, but she bit her tongue: three representatives of Crazy Rhinos were standing in her kitchen whilst her and her friend were handcuffed with shiny cable that hurt like hell every time she tried to move.

“To ho kro so sho wo kro lo lo sho ho flo lo po.”** One of the rhino-headed humanoids yelled, pulling out a small watch and opening it without any warning. 

The whole room went incredibly bright and everything started spinning. Before Joan passed out, she was struck with a million memories at once; her dreams. Saving scientists on Mars in the future, lying on the grass with a pretty redhead and Vincent Van Gogh, fighting killer snowmen...that was all her. 

Joan Smith wasn’t real. She was The Doctor.

If Yaz could move, she’d be at Joan’s side right away, but all she could do was stare at her in horror. She’d already lost so many people in her life and if she was about to lose Joan too...there was no way she would let it happen.

The Crazy Rhinos were standing still, looking at the blonde lying on the floor with anticipation in their glassy eyes. Yasmin couldn’t stop wondering why they put so much effort into finding Joan if they didn’t want to kill her - that’d be the plot of every B-grade horror film...but life has always found a way to surprise her.

One of the aliens moved towards Joan and put a device next to her mouth.

“What do you want?” Joan’s weak voice caught Yaz’s attention, allowing the young woman to breathe a sigh of relief.

“We need your help, Doctor. Our planet is being destroyed by an unknown source.”

~ ✩ ~

“I don’t understand.” 

Her words were barely a whisper but they echoed in the empty car park for so long, making the Doctor’s silence even more meaningful. Yaz couldn’t stop until she got an answer, even if trying to understand everything gave her a headache.

“Okay, so we just met some aliens who looked like a mixture of humans and rhinos. They weren’t trying to kill us and were just looking for help. Oh, and you’re an alien too...an old one...who pretended to be a human because of a magical watch...and now you’re leaving in a police box.”

“Actually it’s a spaceship and she doesn’t like when people call her a police box and...”

“She?”

“Oh, you’ll see, Officer Khan.”

The lights were bright at first; she had to blink twice to bring back her vision. Once she could see again, she took it all in. From the outside, Joan’s (she wasn’t quite comfortable calling her the Doctor quite yet) vehicle looked like a police phone box you’d easily find back in the 1960s. It looked like it could barely fit two people and yet, here she was, standing inside of a vast room with a big, blinking console in the middle. She felt as if the centre of the whole universe was at her fingertips, as if the stars were waiting for her, calling her name. After the first shock, she took a few steps closer to the console. She swore that, at her touch, the whole room shone brighter and filled with a peaceful humming.

“So, what do you think?” The Doctor asked, a big smile on her face.

Before answering, Yaz turned around to face her.

“She’s beautiful.”

~ ✩ ~

The Doctor gave Yasmin a long tour around the TARDIS (“You’ll see things no-one ever seen before! I mean that quite literally since I didn’t see much of her before using the Chameleon Arch...”) and even if her mind could work faster and better than any other creature in the universe, she still wouldn’t understand why Yaz looked so sad. She was seeing technology that no-one on Earth could ever achieve; something completely out of this world. Humans could be so mysterious, she thought, but it never stopped her from travelling with them. 

“So, that’s all for now,” she said with hands in the pockets of her coat. There was a question burning her tongue, waiting to finally be asked out loud, but she took her time, looking at Yaz with a cunning smile. “But you know, you could see much more if you stayed...” Even if her voice made it sound like a plea, she tried to cover it by shrugging her shoulders.

“I’d love to...” Her words made the Doctor smile with excitement. Before she could say anything, Yasmin quickly added: “But I can’t.”

~ ✩ ~

The Doctor had been living for so long that the pain she’d endured could easily be split between thousands of creatures across the universe. But somehow, as she leant across the TARDIS door, looking at Yaz standing outside, her heart hurt in a way she’d never felt before. She wasn’t sure if there was a single word for this feeling of loss for what could have been if the circumstances were different; if she hadn’t opened the fobwatch, if Yaz didn’t have a family and life here, if and if and if...she was leaving with so many ifs. As much as she was saddened by not being able to explore all of Joan’s missed opportunities, there were even more ready for the Doctor; planets to see and adventures to have, all in front of her...all she had to do was pull a lever. It may not have been her true life but, somehow, the life she’d led as Joan seemed just as interesting as all of time and space.

She remembered everything, every date with Yaz, all the fun they’d had, jokes they’d shared. Even if it was just two weeks, it all seemed like a promise of something new. Something she never experienced before, not like that. Not being human had so many advantages, but now it felt like a burden she didn’t want to carry anymore. If the Judoons didn’t find her fobwatch, she’d still be Joan Smith, Professor of History.

Yasmin wanted to say something, anything to break the silence that was getting heavier with every passing second, but yet again, she was standing amazed in the car park, eyes fixed on the ground instead of looking at The Doctor. It had always been like that; she fell so fast she couldn’t even catch the exact moment when her heart decided it was time. But it was too late now.

“So, um...you’re leaving, right?”

“Yeah. Planets to see, people to save and all that!” Suddenly, the Doctor’s cheerful tone seemed too forced, like she was trying twice as hard to sound normal, but it didn’t work out exactly like she’d planned. She even tried to make herself look happier by twisting the corners of her lips up into a smile that didn’t even reach her eyes. 

The silence snuck in again, so heavy, hovering both of them.

Finally, Yasmin looked back at The Doctor. 

The thoughts were still swirling in her head, arranging themselves into shapes she tried to recognise. Since she’d met The Doctor, nothing was ever the same. “It was nice meeting you,” she said, trying to match the Doctor’s cheerful voice, but she failed even more spectacularly. Her own brain failed her in finding the right thing to say. Those words were as close as she could get to expressing her feelings. Something unsaid was itching at her and yet she managed to keep it under wraps. Not now, not like this.

“You too, Yaz. You too.” She gave her a quick smile and turned around to get back inside, missing Yasmin’s gaze boring into her back.

Yaz had gotten her heart broken many times before, so she should’ve already been used to the feeling but it tore her apart every time; both her mind and her body grieving. _Losing someone is like losing a part of yourself_ , her grandma had said when they buried her husband. Yaz’s grandfather died when she was five and it was her first heartbreak. _Your body needs to recover, child_ , her grandma added, when she found Yaz lying in her bed, crying. _It takes a lot of power to get through this._

The second time was when she was ten and her best friend moved to another country. She was left alone with her classmates calling her slurs and no-one to take her side. Then, before her fourteenth birthday, she kissed a boy who only did it as a part of a bet with his friends. That was the moment she decided she wouldn’t waste her energy on boys anymore. The last time was when her partner got shot while chasing after a thief. When they asked her to speak at her funeral, she couldn’t find the right words, so she read a poem because, otherwise, she’d have burst into tears.

Yasmin’s life had been a road from one heartbreak to another. Yet, this time it felt completely different. A flash of sadness opened her up like a fresh, gaping wound and her eyes were heavy with unshed tears. She was ready to finally let them fall when...

The doors of the police box opened again and the same tiny blonde that waltzed into her life two weeks ago appeared in front of her. 

“But you know what? You’re a great officer – the universe needs someone like you. Judoons need our help. And my TARDIS already likes you.” 

“I...”

“I promise to get you back home safe and sound, any time you want!”

As much as she tried to hide it, she couldn’t – there was no way Yaz didn’t hear how entreating her voice was. _And here goes your nonchalance, Doctor._

“Just like I never left?”

“Yeah! Usually it works like that.”

Yaz looked at her with raised brows. “Usually?”

“Well, once I miscalculated and my friend Rose came back a year later but I promise it won’t happen this time!”

“I hope you mean it.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Officer Khan. For you, I’ll always keep my promises.”

**Author's Note:**

> *Hello, Doctor. We’ve been looking for you. (according to Judoon Language Translator from judoon.com.)  
> **This will help.
> 
> Somebody please bully me to write more @ bitfairytaled (both twitter & tumblr.)


End file.
